September 15, 2009

The Nation’s Third Oldest College Newspaper

Volume 80, Issue 2

Matty and Schotty's Little Slice of Love Texting

This graph clearly shows the rapid increase of texting happening around the world. Until 2012 because then we're all dead.

This graph clearly shows the rapid increase of texting happening around the world. Until 2012 because then we're all dead.

We've been in school now for only a few weeks, and we've already had many encounters with textwalkers. Yes, you read that right, all you people who walk around campus paying more attention to the barely human people on the other end of your cell phones instead of the people who are right in front of you. We're talking to you. Just like jaywalkers, textwalkers have become the new form of careless walkers that America is starting to disapprove of. Texting while walking has become such a problem that in, certain parts of London, the street lamps are now padded because so many people have run into them. So we've made it our task to let you, the readers, know the dangers of texting. We'll accept money and gift certificates to "TGIF Fridays" in return for saving your life with the information and tips we are about to lay on you.

Dude I was talking to you.
It seems that the majority of people who don't enjoy the average everyday texter have the same complaint: you'll be having a perfectly decent conversation with someone face to face and then all of a sudden their phone rings once, or beeps a few times and they've completely stopped paying attention to you. Their eyes go directly to their phone and they begin to type feverishly back at the possible stalker in their phone. Situations like these not only keep people from sharing as intimate relationships with one another as in the past, but it drastically increases the number of people who have to see psychiatrists because they think there is something wrong with the way they try to hold a conversation. This then causes more demand for people to go to school for psychology, which in the end gives America a lot more guidance counselors than it truly needs. Though it doesn't really matter what people go to school for since in 2012 we won't be here anymore anyway.

The danger to your thumbs
The increased amount of time spent texting has started to wear down on the thumbs of people around the world. It is estimated that, by the year 2011, one in every three people will be thumbless. Maybe that isn't true, but it is true that there will be an increased number of thumb joint replacement surgeries that will result in people having parts of their thumbs removed and other gross things that we will cease to discuss. I don't know about you but, when I wake up in the morning there are two things I am thankful for, I am thankful I am alive and I am thankful that God blessed me with opposable thumbs. There is nothing like being one step ahead of my dog in the evolutionary process and being able to pick things up with my fingers. Of all the dreams I have had in my life, the one where I didn't have any thumbs was by far the most troubling, (with the exception of the one where I married a woman, but that surpassed troubling and could be considered traumatizing). How inconvenient would it be to not have your thumbs anymore? I will answer this rhetorical question for you. It would be quite inconvenient. Just think, you would no longer be able to hold a cup or put your appropriate head gear on while driving your car so you could safely and legally talk on the phone while driving. And all this would be because you couldn't resist the urge to type out "lol" 12,248 times each month.

Elbows and Knees

Try typing with something other than your thumbs in an effort to save them! Try your elbows. Sure, it's not nearly as efficient, you probably won't type what you really want to say, and will have to use the backspace key a whole lot, but at least you won't be using your thumbs.

Knees are also another great option, although since most people's knees are bigger than their elbows, you'll probably have an even harder time getting your message to say the right thing.

Of course there is always option No. 3, don't text and call instead.

Just remember, phones were created to make calls, not messages.

Thumb Exercises: You know texting has gotten bad when Virgin Mobile creates a Web site that has hand exercises for people to do at home because texter's around the world send so many text messages that they are hurting their fingers! (Go to: to see for yourself) How about you give your hands a rest for a few hours and stop texting people everything about your day. Your best friend doesn't need to know that you found a gummy bear in your belly button. You can save that ditty of information for when you see them or I don't know, call them! Scary thought ... I know.

Shy people texting: It has been obvious in the past few years that texting has helped shy people be able to talk to the person they than without actually having a face-to-face conversation with them. There's nothing more romantic to a girl than having a date over the phone. The real problem here is shy people are not going to be able to get any making out skills down if they are not actually talking directly to the person they like. This will then lead to bigger problems down the road like, texting your vows on your wedding or not being able to seductively ask your husband to have sexy time. That my friends is not a world I want to see us live in. Kissing is a skill we all need to master in life and texting should not keep us from that. And anyone who does shy texting and likes it, what ... low ... standards.

"Sexting": With advancements in technology it seems that the younger generation has discovered it's a good idea to send sexual and provocative photos/texts to those they love. While this might be a fabulous gift idea for the person receiving the message, the person sending it could get themselves into some sticky situations. Let's say the person who received the dirty photos wants to later in life get revenge on the person in the photo, they can post it all over the web. Then everyone on the web is going to see your stretch marks and the awkward way your body moves when you're attempting to look sexy. Not something anyone on the Web ever need or wants to see. Basically, keep it for when you're with your love buddy, and keep your phone clean. (Just don't take a gander at our phones. ...)


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