September 01, 2009

The Nation’s Third Oldest College Newspaper

Volume 80, Issue 1

Matty and Schotty's Little Slice of Love - Emmys

We’ve already been practicing our acceptance speeches. We know were gonna win!

We’ve already been practicing our acceptance speeches. We know were gonna win!

With my success at Nolan's demise (or what others like to call him graduating) over the summer I held an intense search around the country for a new partner in crime. It pretty much consisted of me slamming back margaritas poolside in Vegas while I watched applicants compete in a series of physical challenges to see who would come out on top. When all my challenges came to an end, I no longer had any money for mixed beverages and I still had no new partner because all of the applicants were not up to my liking (and none of them would agree to be my personal servant). Then I came to realize all along I had another Guiffré waiting in the wings. So I hopped on a flight back to New York where Matthew Guiffré greeted me with open arms to accept a home in the "Little Slice of Love" franchise. From there, I got on another flight to spend time at Martha's Vineyard because I needed a vacation after all the hard "work" I had done ... just like our president.

With the Emmy awards quickly approaching, we were shocked when we saw the nominees chosen. We made our first task to choose our own nominees that we believe are much more appropriate.

Best Drama Series
"Lost"- We figured that, since this show was pretty much the only thing on television worth watching, it deserved a nod. Plus, the "real" Emmy's have snubbed it so many times we figured it was time it received a real award nomination.
"Dirty Sexy Money"- Three of our favorite words. Nuf said.
Passions- Wait, cancelled? Not a prime time show? Who cares, this soap opera boasted some of the best looking male physiques on a daily basis. We had to nominate it, and we'd do it again, and again, and again...
"Chelsea Lately"- A talk show hosted by a woman who loves her vodka just as much as we do. The drama here is watching all week to see if she makes it through the week while being stuck on the "E! Channel" so close to Ryan Seacrest.
"48 Hours Mystery"- This show is jammed packed with real murders stories. If finding your wife dead in bed or a body in the lake isn't dramatic then we don't know what is.

Best Comedy Series
"Harper's Island"- A 13-week show about a murder mystery unfolding while at least one character is killed off each week, that's hilarious! Now that's a "Survivor" we could get into.
"Little Slice of Love"- We're on the internet now, have you heard?
"Eastbound & Down" - Danny McBride plays Kenny Powers a down on his luck ex-major league baseball player while rocking an amazing curly mullet. Awesome!
"Megan Wants a Millionaire"- Another "Vh1" show about a dumb blonde trying to get money. Plus the season was only three episodes long because of a murder. Oh "Vh1" don't you know background checks were created for a purpose.
"Sesame Street"- This show has kept us entertained since birth, the bright colors helps keep our attention even today. There are lessons for adults in it too, like look at Bert and Ernie; they're a happy same-sex couple who aren't afraid what other people think about them. Plus, how could you dislike a show that is sponsored by the letter E.

Best Reality Show
"Dating in the Dark" - Who doesn't love a series showing people making out with each other in the dark and then realizing they lowered their standards by 100 points when the lights are turned on. Though, really they should have realized they lowered their standards when they signed up to be on this show.
"Rock of Love"- A group of women that look like they were taken off the streets to live together and survive off nothing but vodka and cranberry juice. Best part? They are all pining for the affection of an eighties rocker who looks like a woman himself. WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT IDEA?
"Gay Straight or Taken"- A girl goes on a date with three guys and has to figure out which one isn't gay or taken. Story of our lives.
"Britain's Got Talent"- Yeah, maybe this isn't an American show, but maybe nothing should be on American television after the phenomenon Susan Boyle swept the hearts of YouTubers everywhere this past season.
"Security Camera's at NU"- Catch NU students doing embarrassing things. Yeah that's right people have caught you on camera picking your nose.

Best Actor in a Comedy Series
Kevin Dillon - "Entourage" - One word: DRAMA!!!
Adrian Grenier - "Entourage" - The superstar of the show -- and kind of hot -- ergo he get's a nomination.
Matty Guiffré - "Little Slice of Love"- He's adorable!
Rex Lee - "Entourage" - He's adorable too!
Jeremy Piven - "Entourage" - He keeps the boys of the show on track and can get down and dirty with anyone. We respect anyone who can get down and dirty, even if it's just on television.

Best Actress for a Comedy Series
Susan Lucci- "All My Children"- She's been on this side-busting series since its launch in 1970. Or perhaps it isn't the show that's so funny but rather the fact that she has been on it for so many years thinks that America actually cares about watching her. Or what's even funnier is the fact that she's been nominated for an Emmy 21 times and only won once. We wanted to have other Actresses nominated in this category, but we felt so bad for Lucci and knew that she wouldn't be able to take home a win unless she was the only nominee. We figured another nomination without a win might kill her.

Best Actor in a Drama Series
Ryan Seacrest - "American Idol" - Anyone who has to work with Paula Abdul (who brings DRAMA to everything she goes) needs a little lovin' from the Emmys.
David Hasselhoff - "America's Got Talent" - He's kind of crazy. He called us and made threats against our lives if we didn't nominate him.
Chuy Bravo- "Chelsea Lately" - Poor guy has to put up with all of Chelsea Handler's antics. We are thinking about adopting him from her and giving him a new home in "Little Slice Of Love". His first task would be wearing a tuxedo for our enjoyment.
SpongeBob SquarePants- "SpongeBob SquarePants"- No one sweeps us off our feet with their dramatic fake kisses and ability to cry on command like the stunning Mr. SquarePants.
Lady Gaga- Rumor has it she could actually be nominated in this category. Too bad she isn't a television star.

Best Actress in a Drama Series
Schotty Schottmiller - "Little Slice of Love"- When she learned she couldn't drink Martini's all day long if she wanted to lose weight she punched her nutritionist in the face. There may or may not be a lawsuit in the works.
Kirstie Alley - "Fat Actress" - We just needed another nominee to fill up this category and we knew she could do the job.
Paula Abdul- "American Idol" - There had to be an interpreter for her on set every day and she wasn't even speaking a different language!
Tina Fey - "30 Rock" - She's worked with Lindsay Lohan and Alec Baldwin and is still a success. We applaud her.
Paris Hilton - "My New BFF" - She thinks she can get a BFF that genuinely cares about her. Nobody will tell her differently, dramaaaaa.


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